Hasan Offers A Student Some Advice | Deep Cuts | Patriot Act with Hasan Minhaj | Netflix

Eddie, what else? Anything else? They know the cell
phone rules, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There was a– there was like– in one of our earlier episodes, someone in the
front row pulled it out. I’m like come– You can only do back row pull out. Nothing else? Did you do it? Did you
do it when I came out– Say what? You guys are moms? Okay. So, what does that mean? I don’t– Oh, okay. I wasn’t– I wasn’t
familiar with that, um… that stereotype, but okay. You learn something
new everyday, alright. You’re like, “We’re the two moms, we’re back here, fuck the rules. You know, the way moms do.” Wait, wait, wait, can I– can I
get sentimental for a moment? One of my best friends from
high school is here tonight so I really want to bring it. Ian Marrow’s in the
building tonight. My boy Ian. So, look. Look, I gotta– I gotta crush tonight. So, you guys, like, really gotta– like, cook the election a little
bit, you know what I mean? Like, Russian hack it
a little bit to be like… that funny. Can I tell you a story about
why I love Ian so much? So, Ian– Ian Marrow is one of the most
popular guys at our high school. And Ian is a very special
person to me because, you know how there’s certain
people you go to school with that are the perfect Venn
diagram of social-cool? You’re on the football team. You knew everybody in
the athletic department. But then you’re also cool with… the nerds. You know what I mean? You were like the true–
you were the United Nations. Where you’re like, “Everybody
deserves a place to speak.” Like, you know what I mean? And you were super cool to
me when you didn’t have to be. And I think that’s a true
sign of like, your character, which is why I’ve always
fucked with you, man. For real, for real. ‘Cause you know that
we graduated in ‘03. And, just to be real with you,
you know I’m a very petty person. But you’ve always–
you’ve always been dope to me so I appreciate you
and I love you, man. Yeah. Moms, what’d you guys think? You know there was a couple
jokes where you guys like, you guys laughed extra loud. But I was in the middle of like,
my essay and I couldn’t be like, “That’s the moms.” Like, you guys laughed at that, uh, you guys laughed at the
Epstein joke a little too hard. Say what? Where in Cali? Okay, but where? I’m from California too, but where? Huh? Okay. You– ? This is getting very weird very fast. Say what? You thought the UC
Davis joke was funny? Well, because I big-upped
UC Berkeley. What’s your guys’ story?
How did you two end up here? You know what I mean?
We have a very– Say what? The suburbs fuck you up.
That’s– That is so profoundly real. Like, that was so–
that was so honest and raw. I don’t think the rest of the
audience was ready for that. Okay. You will find cool
people in the suburbs? I hear that. I’m trying– I’m trying
to get out of this island. I live– Where you live, like in Jersey? Where is that? Ooh, Westchester, you got– ooh. UC San Diego! You came up. Westchester? I smell that privilege. “Have you used Groupon since
the hot air balloon incident?” This is from Priya. Is Priya here? Okay so, uh, I haven’t. I learned my lesson. But my parents love Groupon. So, my mom in her car she
has a stack of Groupons, and she just goes
through them and sometimes I’ll call her after work. Be like, “Mom,
what are you doing?” And she’s like, “I’m at Thai.” I’m like, “What?” She’s like, “We had a
Groupon, we’re eating Thai.” I’m like alright, next day I call I’m
like, “What are you doing, Mom?” She’s like, “We’re eating
Ethiopian, there’s a Groupon.” So, yeah. But Groupon got me through a lot, it was a very trying time in my life when I was out here Groupon-ing. You know what the most
embarrassing thing about, like, taking a date on a Groupon date? ‘Cause they don’t know, they
don’t know you’re using Groupon. So, you’re in the restaurant. They think you have a lot
more money than you do. Like, “Wow, this place is so fancy.” And you’re like,
“It’s 50 percent off the fancy.” Then at the end of the date you’re watching other
people pay with real money. Credit cards. Cash. And then you have to pull out, like,
a piece of construction paper. Put it in the little thing. It feels like you’re
paying with an IOU like, “My mommy wrote her
phone number on it.” “She’ll give you the money.” It’s so embarrassing. I remember one time I took
Beena on a Groupon date. And the dude came back and he
was like, “The Groupon expired.” And it fucking killed me! That’s worse than your
credit card being denied. ‘Cause like, it’s like not
only do you not have money but then it also gets
revealed that you’re cheap. And you’re bad at planning. It’s just all of it compounding
on top of each other. Okay, “If you could change three
rules in the NBA, what would it be? Please make it good, I skipped studying for my final
that’s tomorrow to be here today.” Whoa. Yo. Aabir, is that– you’re here? Yo, what final are you ditching? Get the fuck out of here!
What are you doing? Bro, get out of here, go study. What is it, what kind of final? Molecular biology? Dude, lecture him,
lecture this dude. Why, are you serious? To come to a Patriot Act taping? Dude, you could have
seen it on Sunday. What do you mean? Was it worth it? Be for real, was this worth it? Oh, come on. What school do you go to? SUNY New Paltz. So you drove? Dude, you are really… Who drove? Yo dude, not only are you
missing crucial study time, but you’re also a liar. You want to know the rules? These are my rules, alright. I actually wrote this down because
when I saw this I was like, “Okay, I have to actually
put thought into this.” Okay, uh, so these are rules
for the NBA to change. So, if a player makes
a half court shot, someone in the audience gets
their student loans paid off. You know what I mean? If it’s deep, you know how like
when they go into halftime and they’re like, “Ahh?” Everyone will be like, “Come on.” It’s like, “Brandon’s student loans!” Brandon’s, like, break dancing. The longer you hang on the rim
after a dunk, you get more points. Why’d you– why’d
you take that away? Like, totally bring back taunting. Um, in the fourth quarter, just
for no reason there’s two balls. I just think that’d
be like really great. Just like the fourth quarter
starts and they’re just like, ha ha, and they’re like. Uh, those are my rules. What would you change? You didn’t even think about it? You haven’t thought
about that or your final? Alright. What’s your GPA, where you at? Ohhh! You guys don’t even know. That’s up there with, “How much money do you
have in the bank, USD?” No, GPA, for real. I’ll cut it– we’ll cut it out. I won’t– Ah, dude, no, no, no,
no, no. No, no, no. Pre-before final. ****? Dude, what? Big sis, what are you doing? Did you hear the audible
gasp? Everyone’s like… Dude I’m worried about you, man. I’m worried, this is like– this is
sadder than the headline we did. It’s all good, man. You doing– you trying
to do med school? So, what do you– what’s–
what’s the story then? You’re undecided but
you’re molecular bio? Dude you’re like me, you’re like, “Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We’ll see what happens.” Are you a comedian on the side? Huh? Dude you gotta figure it out otherwise they’re
gonna send you to the— otherwise they’re gonna
send you to the Carribean. I don’t want that to happen. They’ll send you to the
island, bro. Don’t do that. I’m telling– you’re a junior, right? Dude, decide otherwise
they’ll decide for you. I’m telling you. You don’t decide,
you’ll be like, “What the–” Two years from now you’ll be
like, “Why am I in dental school?” I’m telling you– you gotta decide. Bro, I care about you. More than your sister, I care. Decide. Alright, “If you could use truth
serum on anyone in the world–” I just did. Alright, “Who would you use it on
and what would your question be?” This is from Sydney. So, truth serum. I’ve always, uh, really loved magic. I would use it with
magicians, I’d be like, “Come on, just tell me.” Just like, come on. Remember, like, I remember
like in the early ‘90s there was these shows on Fox. It was called Magicians
Reveal All or like– remember that? It was like, David
Copperfield Exposed. And they would have magicians
with like, ski masks and they’re like, “I cannot– I cannot– I cannot
disclose this publicly, but for Fox summer programming
I will disclose my secrets.” “A lot of people don’t know this but my deck of cards is stacked up
where I have six different aces.” “People don’t know that.” Then right after that
they would have a show where it was just
man versus animals. Do you remember that? They were like, “Manute Bol
is gonna fight a kangaroo.” And I would be like, “This is really
sad but I’m definitely watching.” “If you could be any animal,
what would you choose to be? Not like your spirit animal, but if you could choose to
have the life of any animal, what would you
want to be and why?” This is from Chelsea. Okay, okay. Chelsea, uh, okay. You know what it would be? It would be– What would your animal be? Okay. They get to swim around and sing? For real they sing all day? You really thought about this. Are they being affected
by global warming? Okay. But remember SeaWorld–
the SeaWorld, I mean– Oh, because blue
whales can’t jump? You know what I mean they’re like, “You don’t have hops.
You’re– stay in the ocean.” They’re very big? They’re the ones that ate
Pinocchio and the whole thing? You’ve never seen Pinocchio? But you know this much random
information about killer whales? Okay, you know what
animal I would be? Golden retriever. So, two doors down
there’s a golden retriever. My daughter loves
the golden retriever. The golden retriever’s
name is Whiskey. And I think my daughter
loves it because, like, you know, golden
retrievers are very friendly. But it’s also another
creature that’s her height. And so she’ll be like, “Whiskey.” Sometimes– that’s the dog’s,
I mean, we didn’t name the dog. The owners are like,
“This is Whiskey.” The funniest part is
sometimes I’ll wake her up. Well, I won’t wake her up. My daughter will wake up. And she, you know, little kids get up very early, so she’ll get up at like
7 o’clock in the morning. Our apartment’s kind of small so
I’ll just take her into the hallway and we’ll run laps,
just kinda get her tired. But she’ll go three doors down to where Whiskey is and she’ll
start just banging on the door. She’ll be like, “Whiskey! Whiskey!” She’s almost like a debt collector,
she feels– you know what I mean? Like, “Whiskey!
You owe me money! Open up!” She’s just like a little baby
landlord in a onesie just like, “Whiskey! Pay up and it can’t be a Groupon!” Sometimes they’ll be in there. The owners, not Whiskey. The people who live there. And I’ll hear them from like,
their bedroom, they’re like, “Whiskey’s sleeping!” Let her do it.

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